The Marital Coffee War (Jeannette Cooperman, May 13, 2026, Common Reader)
In his New York Times column, Judge John Hodgman fielded an intensely controversial question a few weeks ago, and 587 comments (at last count) poured forth, scorching the internet.
The question came from Alli: “I make a morning pour-over coffee for myself while my husband, Keegan, uses the bathroom. He’s upset that I never make him one, but he’s usually in there for an hour. He wants coffee when he gets out, even if it’s cold. Please order Keegan to make a pre-bathroom coffee for both of us for one week and then stop bothering me about it.”
Hodgman set up a quiz for his readers, offering three possible replies. But they already had their own ideas. I braced myself: the down side of women’s rights has been the sense that even small everyday kindnesses are exploitation. I have had friends snap, “Can’t he do that much himself?” when I happened to refer, without complaint, to some chore I have taken on because my husband now has a chronic illness. We are all militant for one another, in well-intended solidarity. But the outrage has been building up for so long that it spills over regardless of context.
Sure enough, when one woman wrote in that she makes her husband’s coffee just as he likes it, because “it’s a little way that I show I care,” another replied, “Let me guess: and your partner’s way of showing that he cares involves a task that he has to do once a month at best while yours involves daily labor. Not surprising as women are put on this earth to labor for and serve men.”
“Why should the earlier riser be punished and have to make coffee for both?” wrote Brooklyn. “Instead of hiding in the bathroom for an hour, her husband could start the coffee first.” Kate was outraged too: “So he hogs the bathroom for an hour, then wants her to make him coffee?”
But there were other responses, too—and as I scrolled, I saw a composite portrait of marriage. Why it is endangered, what makes it work, how it has gone wrong, why we desperately need more common sense and kindness. Practical advice overflowed, along with tender sharings. I still have not gotten over the man who wrote, “My late spouse was a tea drinker. I made her tea and would love to do so again.”