July 3, 2005

FLATLANDERS:

Splitting ornery firewood in a flash (Burr Morse, June 27, 2005, Barre Montpelier Times Argus)

It started with a telephone call I got the other night. The lady said she had a friend from South Carolina who had heard that maple trees can suddenly explode. He wanted to know if it was safe to let his children go near a maple tree. The lady was a little embarrassed, having to seek out an expert maple guy, but she needed an answer for her friend. I laughed, wondering if the guy had been into the sap beer, and considered making up some wise-crack answer. I opted, however, for diplomacy and explained how maples are our friends and would never hurt anyone. She accepted my assurance that the children would be safe.

My brother told me later that there had been an Aprils Fool's satire on the subject of exploding maples on public radio earlier in the spring. It seems some down-country writer had heard the weather up here in Vermont was not right for sap runs. He'd written that the maples were so ravenous to run that they were "exploding." The humor of the piece obviously escaped some listeners, like the guy from South Carolina.

Posted by Orrin Judd at July 3, 2005 9:58 AM
Comments

Raven-ous, eh? Tapping, and all that. Sheesh.

Posted by: ghostcat at July 3, 2005 12:31 PM

My Montana in-laws were astonished to come to New England and find that it wasn't high rises as far as the eye could see. Still, they can't get over all the traffic on the highways.

Posted by: David Cohen at July 3, 2005 1:20 PM

The confusion might be that they can't imagine if you have to live in NE you would want to live in a city, so it must be the only option.

Posted by: RC at July 3, 2005 1:53 PM

Traffic? We drive 1,119 miles due north on I 95 from Florida to Connecticut.

With a lot of the new highway construction completed, traffic moves along pretty well now through Richmond/the Washington-Baltimore corridor/the Jersey Turnpike/the Garden State/the Tappen Zee bridge/catch up to I 95 again/move along nicely through Westchester until the dread Connecticut Thruway (the Merritt Pkwy is no better) and the nightmare begins. Bumper to bumper 24/7.

No wonder your Montana relatives can't get over the traffic. I'm a born and bred New Yorker and I can't get over it either.

Posted by: erp at July 3, 2005 6:00 PM

You effete east coasters who complain about traffic should be brought to LA for perspective.

Posted by: at July 3, 2005 7:29 PM

Okay, there's no proof that maples explode and kill children. But can we take the chance? Anyone with the slightest understanding of the Precautionary Principle knows the answer.

I say we nuke Vermont from space. It's the only way to be sure.

Posted by: Bob Hawkins at July 3, 2005 10:20 PM

Vermont is definitely right for sap runs. Where is Gov. Dean?

Posted by: John J. Coupal at July 3, 2005 11:31 PM
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