DANG NEAR A DRIVE-BY:

WE, the clergy and 13 parishioners of the Church of Sts. Cyril & Methodius of the Holy Dormition of Tipton County, Indiana, issue a CALL TO DUTY to White journalists, pundits, and opinion leaders, as well to Irishman Michael Brendan Dougherty:

--WE DEMAND that Christopher Caldwell deliver a dozen--a hundred--a thousand Claremont Institute-sponsored lectures elucidating the extent to which all Ukrainian resistance to corruption, political brutality, FSB-rigged elections, and glorious Great Russian imperialism is fake, drummed up by the CIA, astroturfed, completely due to the finaglings of Anne Applebaum and Victoria Nuland, the two most important human beings in the millennium-plus expanse of Eastern Slavic history.

--WE DEMAND that neurasthenic Rod Dreher, the Charlie Brown of socio-political commentary, write even more logorrheically about the evident MORAL SUPERIORITY OF THE "RUSSIAN WORLD," where, say what you will about imperialist mass murder and ethnocide, what few trans women there are keep their peckers stowed. He should write as well about President Putin's obvious status as a staunch defender of Christian values.

--WE DEMAND that Dreher SECOND our Church's most blessed Patriarch Kirill's ENDORSEMENT of President Putin's noble denazification campaign and stop equivocating about things.

--WE DEMAND that Professor Daniel Larison of Yale University stop equivocating, too, and return to the fine form he exhibited in the aughts, when, on his old blog, he issued insinuation after wonderfully snuffling insinuation that a UKRAINIAN NATION AND CULTURE DO NOT EXIST--his mouth no doubt flecked charmingly with spittle, his nostrils flared in rage, his eyes quite attractively dead behind his thick spectacles.

--WE DEMAND that Michael Brendan Dougherty, the MAGNIFICENT PORTLY PEPPERPOT of paleoconservative punditry, and Aryan journalist Sohrab Ahmari write more versions of the good old "we're-not-saying-all-40-million-Ukrainians-are Nazis-but-" column that's kept both far-right and far-left pundits in nachos and cheese dip since Ukraine's 2004 fascist Orange Revolution.

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