Estoy apesadumbrado, yo no hablo inglés.

David Cohen:

Thanks! My folks and I brought up that one last night, we knew the last part but not the first.

David's response is pretty good, if your Dad doesn't mind some of his callers going ca-ca on the phone. I was going to suggest some rambling paranoiac diatribe involving Lutherans, precious bodily fluids, and Judge Jim Garrison....

PS The field is still open for others...

Bruce Cleaver:

You ever watch The Simpsons? There's a scene where Chief Wiggum tries to calm down a raving derelict, and the derelict's incomprehensible, super-speedy diatribe was performed spontaneously by one of the show's writers. I need that guy on the line.

Caller: "May I speak to Matt Murphy, Sr.?"

Mr. Murphy: "This is he."

Caller: "Sir, I'm calling from the New York Times to inquire about your involvement in the Minute Men movement."

Mr. Murphy: "Could you please hold on a second, I was right in the middle of something. I'll be right back in just a second. Hold on. Be right back."

*sound of steps going away from phone*

*man whistling*

*sound of magazine pages being turned*

*water trickling into ceramic bowl*

*sounds of stout man grunting*

*something plopping into water*

*more sounds of stout man grunting*

*more plopping*

*toilet flushing*

*running water*

*sound of hands being vigorously washed*

*whistling*

*steps approaching phone*

*steps going away from phone*

*sound of stout man settling into La-Z-Boy recliner*

*sound of television being turned on to Royals game*

*snoring*

*****

I would imagine you could tape the performance once, and then replay it as needed.

He should try to pull a Nigerian scam.

"Hey, yeah, I got involved. There's a widow I know who's husband was obsessed with the organization and left US $7,500,000 million to the effort, so she can't get at it. She's known to not like the organization, so I've gone in to get access. But I can't be seen taking the money myself. You sound very trust worthy. How about I split it with you. All I need is your bank routing information ..."

"Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Preiswerter Kopfsalat" should keep 'em guessing.

"Let me fetch the rabbi..."

"Minuteman? Not according to my wife."

I'm on the federal no-call list. Could I please have your name and the name of your organization.

Posted by: jd watson at May 22, 2006 5:15 AM

"Thanks, we've got Mexico covered, but we're badly short of patriots for the Canadian wall. 5:00 am behind City Hall tomorrow, ok? Bring a tent, a shovel and lots of water."

"You're against the aliens too? Good! I designed a helmet that will keep out their mind probe."

Don't you know the NSA is listening in on this call? Please try me on my secure line (provide appropriate phone sex number here).

Nothing can beat pure unadulterated swearing.

Record a message that says he isn't the guy they're looking for and ask that they stop tying up his phone line.

"He isn't at this number anymore. He can be reached at 812-473-7729."

Or pick something other than Dial-A-Prayer that he would like to use.

The immortal John Astin was in precisely this situation in one of his movies. His response: "What did you say your name was? Oh yeah, your sister arrived yesterday and she's already made six hundred bucks."

These are great suggestions, folks. Thanks.