Yes, this is certainly my experience. My divorce was a "good" divorce, yet it really tore up my wonderful son for a good long time. A bad marriage that contains no physical abuse is better than a good divorce.

I still run across people who are willing to say that kids just want their parents to be happy. Leaving to one side the question of whether divorce ever or even mostly leaves the adults happier -- have these people ever met any kids? My kids couldn't care less if I'm happy.

Mr. Cohen: I agree. Beyond obedience, children (not adult children, mind you) have no business trying to make their parents happy. If they are, they are assuming the adult role in the relationship. Ask children of alcoholics about this, too. Divorce puts the burden on the children, not the adults where it belongs.

Mr. Other Brother Judd: It is sad that it has taken 30+ years for us to start to even acknowledge these facts. My parents divorced and I still remember the countless articles about how divorce was beneficial for children than having to bear with their parents' less than perfect marriage. God forbid you stayed together for the children. Even Dear Abbey regularly counseled that divorce would be good for the children. She was an idiot.

I learned from my childhood that parents who just tried to find peace help their children more than they know. As an adult, I learned that for children of divorce, about 1/3 will adjust in about 3 to 5 years, 1/3 will adjust in about 5 to 10 years, and 1/3 will never adjust (recover, grow, thrive, whatever broad word you choose).

At the divorce recovery seminars where I volunteered for several years, we had an hour-long session where older kids (from 10 to about 21 or so) would sit up front and just talk about their lives and their feelings about divorce. The parents could not speak - they just sat in the back and wept. And these were the ones who wanted help. I always used to think about the 'other' parent, who was almost always involved with someone else, and generally lording that over the spouse left behind, and forcing the children to "accept" it.