May 26, 2005

MUSTN'T THE BRUCE BE PROUD OF HIS PEOPLE:

Doctors seek kitchen knife ban (EDWARD BLACK, 5/27/05, The Scotsman)

LONG, pointed kitchen knives should be banned as part of a concerted effort to reduce the terrible injuries and deaths caused by stabbing attacks, doctors warned today.

Accident and emergency medics claim the knives serve no useful purpose in the kitchen but are proving deadly on the streets of Britain, with the doctors claiming the knives are used in as many as half of all stabbings.

The doctors claimed they had consulted leading chefs who said the knives were not needed for cooking - a claim disputed by chefs contacted by The Scotsman.

Latest figures from the Scottish Executive show that in 2003, 55 of 108 homicide victims were stabbed by a sharp instrument - often a kitchen knife.


By 2010 they'll be buttering their toast with tongue depressors...

Posted by Orrin Judd at May 26, 2005 11:42 PM
Comments

Tongue depressors? Those can be filed down -- not to mention an unacceptable risk of splinters. Try guitar picks.

Posted by: Guy T. at May 26, 2005 11:54 PM

Yep, and better make that margarine.

Posted by: djs at May 27, 2005 12:05 AM

Cleavers make very nice weapons too, but they aren't long or have points. Cricket bats, walking sticks and golf clubs are also fine weapons. Heck, even large rocks will do in a pinch.

When are they going to realize that humans have the ability to turn almost anything into a weapon? And when they do, they will be forced to outlaw the true weapon that makes all others possible -- the 3 lb. supercomputer we all carrying around with us -- the human brain. Safety through frontal lobotomies!

Posted by: jd watson at May 27, 2005 12:34 AM

This a joke, right?

Posted by: Robert Schwartz at May 27, 2005 12:40 AM

This is not a joke.

Posted by: joe shropshire at May 27, 2005 12:55 AM

Concealed-carry handgun permits and a stand-your-ground law for law-abiding citizens could put a big dent in shiv flaunting...

Posted by: Axel Kassel at May 27, 2005 6:57 AM

My long, pointed kitchen knife is great for slicing roast beef...

I wonder what else I could use it for? I love multi-taskers...: )

Posted by: Bartman at May 27, 2005 8:25 AM

It's time to fight back. Let's start the NCA (National Cutlery Association).

Our motto: When pointy kitchen knives are outlawed, only outlaws will have pointy kitchen knives. And really nice diced onions.

Posted by: Ed Bush at May 27, 2005 10:09 AM

A constitutional amendment wouldn't hurt either.

A well regulated kitchen, being necessary to the cuisine of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear cutlery, shall not be infringed.

Posted by: Ed Bush at May 27, 2005 10:25 AM

Just mandate the removal of a couple of fingers, or the thumbs. Then they won't even be able to strangle each other.

Posted by: jim hamlen at May 27, 2005 11:01 AM

countries like the u.k. are just one big prison. no wonder something like 50% of their citizens want to migrate.

Posted by: cjm at May 27, 2005 11:25 AM

Well, at least this will finally come in handy:

Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!

Posted by: Mike Earl at May 27, 2005 11:27 AM

I think Ed Bush's amendment should substitute "free-range Steak" in for "free State" so that it would read:

A well regulated kitchen, being necessary to the cuisine of free-range Steak; the right of the people to keep and bear cutlery, shall not be infringed.

Posted by: Bret at May 27, 2005 6:59 PM
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