MR. RILEY:

St. Patrick's Day at Riley's (Paul Greenberg, March 17, 2004, Townhall)

With sincere apologies to, and selective quotations from, Finley Peter Dunne, creator of the immortal Mister Dooley, the Irish barkeep and political sage who first noted that politics ain't beanbag.

J. Aloysius Hennessey looked even more confused than usual as he came through the swinging doors of Riley's Royal I.R.A. Vegetable Bar Grill at the corner of Broadway and Apocrypha. He headed straight for the bar at the back - as if he were late for an appointment.

Hennessey would have taken off his coat if he'd had one, and plunked down a dollar if he had one. Instead, he raised a forefinger straight up to indicate his order: One Cold One.

Mr. Riley calmly took the dishrag he usually wore casually draped over his left shoulder, leisurely dusted off the free lunch, nodded sagely (he couldn't nod any other way, being a sage), and raised his own forefinger to point out the Past Due list taped to barroom mirror. Hennessey's name led all the rest.

"I'm confused," Hennessey confessed.

"As if I'd ever seen you whin ye weren't," said Mr. Riley.

"It's this prezydential iliction, donnybrook, lollypaloooza and general foofaraw and brouhaha," explained Hennessey. "Here 'tis only Saint Paddy's Day and th' two distinguished candydates is already debatin' the issues iv th' day by throwin' chairs at one anwather. 'Tis worse thin me last family reunion. Just when did this campaign start, anyway?"

"It started, Hennessey, th' day th' the last prezydential iliction ended. And it'll be over shortly befure th' ides iv November, which is whin th' next one starts. The Missus Clinton is already gearin' op fir that wan. Aught-eight is her year. She's joost waitin' fir a clear field, like a filly in th' Irish Sweepstakes. And it'll shure be a race t'see!"

"I'll dhrink to that," said Hennessey.

One doubts you could get away with doing minstrel show dialect today.

Posted by Orrin Judd at March 18, 2004 9:12 AM