JUST BARELY PARODY:

Whatever You Say... (Michael Graham, Charleston City Paper)

Iraqi citizens looked on in horror today when, at the orders of President George W. Bush, American soldiers and marines began retreating from Baghdad to return to the United States.

"We're sorry," one local commander told panicking Baghdad residents as he mounted his Bradley fighting vehicle to catch a flight out of the newly-re-renamed Saddam International Airport, "We were winning on the streets of Baghdad, but we couldn't take Hollywood Boulevard."

The administration's sudden reversal in Iraqi policy was announced at a hastily-called press conference where an apologetic President Bush explained his change of heart to the American people.

"I just didn't want to be viewed as a 'Hitler' for the rest of my presidency," a dour-faced Bush told the American people. "And the more I thought about it, the more I decided that the people calling me a fascist were right. Sending in the military to defeat Saddam Hussein, empty his torture chambers and allow Jews to once again practice their faith in Iraq is exactly what the Nazis would have done. So I stopped."

President Bush signed the "Michael Moore Is Right" Act in a private White House ceremony, where he was joined by several Democratic presidential hopefuls including Congressman Dennis Kucinich and former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean. Sen. John Kerry stood in the doorway, where he repeatedly pointed out to reporters that one of his feet was still in the foyer. Also in attendance were members of numerous anti-war organizations who continued to call for an immediate end to the war in Iraq even after American soldiers had taken Saddam's presidential palace in Baghdad.

"Hey--war is just wrong," said Nirvana Hempfinder, president of "Students Halting Intolerance and Terror." "I don't care how many Iraqis throw flowers at our soldiers. If they really understood that all this 'freedom' and 'liberty' the Army is bringing is just a plan to trap Iraq in America's dominant consumer culture, the people of Iraq would give back all that food and medicine we’re giving them and go back to eating...well, um, whateverÉ."

The anti-war movement declared an immediate victory and urged the president to keep his word and remove all American forces as soon as possible.

"The invading and occupying forces of the Bush military should return the nation of Iraq to the state in which they found it," said Didi Bididi of the Coalition To Stop All Republicans From Ever Doing Anything Whatsoever. When asked if that included returning Saddam Hussein to power, Bididi declined to answer. "My job is to fight against oppression and evil. What's that got to do with Saddam Hussein?"

This would be funnier if so many on the Left didn't truly feel this way. Posted by Orrin Judd at April 9, 2003 2:14 PM