November 13, 2002
DUEL OF THE CHEESY RELIGIOUS DECORATIONS:
Sent David Cohen a link to the ultra-sketchy Miracle Menorah and he came right back with this horrific item.
On the other hand, it does remind us of two great tunes:
Drop Kick Me Jesus (Bobby Bare)Drop kick me Jesus through the goal post of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight kick through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal post of life.Make me, oh make me, Lord more than I am
Make me a piece in your master game plan
Free from the earthly temptation below
I've got the will, Lord if you've got the toe.
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal post of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight kick through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal post of life.Take all the brothers who've gone on before
And all of the sisters who've knocked on your door
All the departed dear loved ones of mine
Stick'em up front in the offensive line.Drop kick me Jesus through the goal post of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight kick through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal post of life.Yeah,
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal post of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight kick through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal post of life.
And:
Plastic Jesus (Ernie Marrs)
I don't care if it rains of freezes
'Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car.
Through my trials and tribulations
And my travels through the nations
With my Plastic Jesus I'll go far.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car
I'm afraid He'll have to go.
His magnets ruin my radio
And if I have a wreck He'll leave a scar.
Riding down a thoroughfare
With His nose up in the air,
A wreck may be ahead, but He don't mind.
Trouble coming He don't see,
He just keeps His eye on me
And any other thing that lies behind.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...
Though the sunshine on His back
Make Him peel, chip and crack,
A little patching keeps Him up to par.
When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say "damn"
I can let all my curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
'Cause he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...
Once His robe was snowy white,
Now it isn't quite so bright -
Stained by the smoke of my cigar.
If I weave around at night,
And policemen think I'm tight,
They never find my bottle - though they ask.
Plastic Jesus shelters me,
For His head comes off, you see
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb -
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.
[Plastic Jesus has become quite entrenched in the folk tradition, so there are considerably more folk verses than there were original ones. Following are folk additions and emendations, as well as additions from recording artists who have covered this song.]
Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
I could go a hundred miles an hour
Long as I got the Almighty Power
Glued up there with my pair of fuzzy dice
{Refrain - repeat between every verse}
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.
I don't care if it rains or freezes
As long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far
I don't care if it's dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
I feel I'm protected amply
I've got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car
You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell
Actually, I don't think its horrific, but rather hilarious. I also think, subject to correction, that it's catechistically sound: Jesus, as man, is fully human and I can understand trying to promote in children an understanding of Jesus as a man interested and able to participate in their daily life and games. I can even sort of deal with ballet-dancing Jesus, which you can see by clicking around the site.
But I've got to say that sacking God as he makes a handoff just doesn't have any Jewish equivalent.
I particularly like statue of Jesus holding the basketball out of the children's reach. Well, that's what it looks like he's doing anyway.
Posted by: NKR at November 13, 2002 1:50 PMThe one of Him coaching baseball is inoffensive, if perhaps cheesy.
On page two, there's the hockey version. There's just something about the concept of checking Our Lord and Saviour into the boards, or putting Him into the penalty box for high-sticking, that just leaves me speechless.
Michael:
God forgive me, but shouldn't you have said "nailing Him into the boards"?
The statue of Jesus playing golf brings to mind the current problems the Catholic Church is having. I don't really think he needs to stand that close to teach the kid a proper putting stroke.
Posted by: Just asking at November 14, 2002 7:30 AMMichael --
I can just hear the play-by-play now:
"Jesus shoots . . . DENIED. He come's up with the puck, shoots, DENIED. Again . . . DENIED as the buzzer sounds."
"Jesus steps out of the box, he looks to the third base coach, shakes off the signal. Now he accepts the signal. Steps up to the plate . . . the pitch, sacrifice bunt up the first base line."
"Jesus is at the thirty, picks up a blocker, John the Baptist, ohh, clotheslined, the defenders have a clear shot at Jesus, the crowd is on its feet . . . wow, Our Lord jukes left and has an open field."
The old joke used to be:
"Jesus saves!"
"but Esposito puts in the rebound"