ALL COMEDY IS CONSERVATIVE:

'Those trousers are just wrong,' Chris says. 'They've clearly been bought, and not made. They're about four inches too long. They're perfectly straight, about the same size at the top as they are at the bottom, and they're probably about 20 inches at the ankle. He probably thinks it covers up a certain amount of fatness, that if he has wide-bottomed trousers it'll disguise the width of his hips and waist. If anything, it does the opposite when they're that straight'.

'The white tie is just abysmal,' Chris reflects. 'The trousers are a similar cut to chinos. I suspect they're not high-waisted, so he's had to get an extra-long waistcoat to cover the top of the trousers. So now you've got at least four inches of white showing between the coat and the trousers. Look at Prince Charles. With proper military fashion, you don't see any white in between, and the coat is just covering the waistcoat.'

Chris considers Trump's innovative display of snowy acres of waistcoat. 'That waistcoat must be buttoned around his crotch. He's a big guy, but there's no excuse not to have something that fits. Now, a lot of men these days do wear white tie with about in inch of white showing. It can frame the coat, and it can look nice. If you're Fred Astaire, it'll accentuate the length of your legs. But not four inches.'

If Trump's trousers and waistcoat are too big, his coat is too small. 'That tail coat is appalling. The sleeves are two inches too long, the jacket body is three inches too short. The tails are five inches too short. The whole thing is just short and boxy.'

'The tails are meant to touch the back of your knees, but they're on his mid-thigh,' Chris says, more in sorrow than anger. 'The whole coat is way too short for him. Why would he do this? The whole thing is just so wrong, on so many levels. There's a fellow in the background, looking at him and smirking. I can imagine he's thinking, "What a twit!"'

Chris suspects Trump's chino-like dress trousers are inspired by his golf outfits. 'That's Biff from Back to the Future,' he confirms.

The Trumps have dressed for this trip with all the nuance and subtlety that is their trademark. After Melania flew to London dressed as Big Ben, Tiffany appears to have typed "Jane Austen World Book Day costume" into the Amazon search bar and came up with an evening gown in a shade of claret that gave her the vibe of a midwestern bridesmaid who is, like, really into Downton Abbey.

In her custom Dior Dancing on Ice dress, Melania looked like white-tie I, Tonya, but it is Ivanka who, as ever, strikes terror into the heart with her replicant-like ability to almost convincingly model modern metropolitan dress. The ghostly image of Ivanka and Jared gazing out from behind a palace curtain had every bit as much cosy warmth as Grant Wood's 1930 American Gothic portrait...

Facebook

Twitter

Pinterest

Tweet   @brothersjudd