UNTO DEATH:

As C.S. Lewis reminded us, "to love at all is to be vulnerable." Loving another person means giving oneself as a hostage both to fortune and to an alien will. The traditional Christian marriage vows are explicit on this point: one is promising to remain married for worse, for poorer, and in sickness, if that is what comes. Prudence can mitigate some of the risks, but marriage nonetheless remains an acceptance of lifelong vulnerability if one takes these vows seriously. To quote Chesterton's Manalive once again, "Imprudent marriages! . . .  where in earth or heaven are there any prudent marriages? Might as well talk about prudent suicides." A commitment unto death is not prudent, if one is only looking out for oneself.

And marriage is a death of the autonomous self, because it establishes a lifelong "We" over the solitary "I" of the individual. The physical union of marriage that the Bible describes as becoming one flesh is only part of the merger that is marriage, in which the self is not abolished, but is irrevocably committed to another person. It may be terrifying to give up sole control of one's life in this way, and many will refuse. Think, for example, of the prominent philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who for all his life struggled to find a way to have love without vulnerability. That is simply not possible in this life.

One can have pleasure while maintaining control and safety, but one cannot have love. And pleasure without love will grow stale. Thus, Lewis concluded his comments on the vulnerability of love by warning: "The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." Those who will not risk their hearts will in the end make themselves heartless. This is why the traditional wedding vows recognize that they promise eventual heartbreak, for if hearts are not hardened over the years then one at least will be broken when death does its part.

Yet those in love continue to get married, not only out of social custom or for the benefits romantic and family stability provide to society, but because their love compels them to do so. There is something about being in love that induces us to make promises of everlasting fidelity, as if we know that such fidelity offers a better way of life, whatever the risks may be. It is commitment that allows a relationship to move from potentiality to actuality. The self that sacrifices its autonomy upon the marriage altar will find itself more fully realized in that marriage. It is only by foreclosing the other options of what we might become that we can really set about the business of becoming something; only by forsaking all others can we fully realize our relationship with one.

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