WORST KEPT SECRET EVER:

The handshake is the ultimate focus of anxiety for a certain sort of self-conscious man, and there are none more obviously fixated by these self-help books than Donald Trump. Just as Trump is a poor person's idea of what a rich person looks like, he is also does a laughable impersonation of an alpha male. From the over-long red tie and gold lift to the ridiculous photographs and the dyed comb-over, Trump has imbibed deeply from the well of bad self-help guidance to project success. The apogee of his performance is the handshake, the "Trump Pump"; for all the catastrophes of his Presidency, we shouldn't overlook how ridiculous the pump is, and how symbolic it is of his approach.

Pity Shinzo Abe, the Prime Minister of Japan who had the smile of a kidnap victim and the eyes of someone with locked-in syndrome during his time with Trump. During his visit, Mr Abe was forced into indignities, all stemming from Donald Trump's complete lack of manners. From holding a meeting in the middle of a Florida restaurant to crashing a wedding, it peaked with the nineteen-second-long handshake, during which the poise of Japan's PM was shaken to breaking point. His arm flailing like that of a rag doll embarrassed for the sake of his people, Mr Abe must have been dying inside while Trump shook, and shook, and shook like someone trying to prove a point about how manly and assertive he is. In his overcompensation, the short-fingered President revealed his insecurity.

Tweet   @brothersjudd