ALL COMEDY IS CONSERVATIVE:

According to officials with Donald Trump's Inauguration committee, next week's festivities will be a clear departure from previous "circus-like" inaugurations, where parades, performances and high-profile events were the order of the day.

Instead, they say, Trump's Inauguration will have a "soft sensuality" and a "poetic cadence" instead of A-list celebrities and big-name acts.

It's not immediately clear precisely what that means--whether, say, the committee plans on incorporating a hologram of Barry White into their festivities, is calling on that Melania Trump look-alike stripper to headline a concert on the Mall, or will have the ad company behind the C****s bathtub spots dressing the swearing-in stage. But Inauguration chair Tom Barrack said that he's convinced the affair will be "more refined" than in previous years.

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