ONE HAS A BEARD, ONE DOES NOT GROW ONE:

At 35, I can grow a decent goatee and mustache, both recent developments, but my cheeks are so prepubescent smooth, with nary a whisker pushing up, that a full beard is impossible. Apparently, I'm not the only one. I mentioned my frustration to Steven Wilson, who runs Beards.org, a Web site created to "increase awareness, appreciation and understanding of the beard." He's heard the story many times.

As Mr. Wilson explained to me in an e-mail, many men who suffer from this "terribly profound personal problem" are "extremely distressed" by their lack of beard-growing capability. They experience "pain and suffering" and "face ridicule" from their bearded friends. They can even be "intimidated by the sight of someone with a great beard."

Wait a minute. Are we still talking about beards and not another symbol of male virility?

I have never felt tortured by my inability to grow a beard, and it hasn't undermined my sense of manhood, either. (Until, maybe now.)

Follow @brothersjudd