HAMMERING QUEER PEGS INTO STRAIGHT HOLES:

For Gay Couples, Now the Pressure’s On! (Chris Rozvar, 6/26/11, New York)

My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years. We live together, and whenever one of us is out and about, people inevitably ask if the other is nearby. But the marriage query is not one I get asked a lot — I'm generally exempt from that thirtysomething game because I'm gay. Until just now, I wasn't allowed to get married in New York. Plus, it was a bit of a taboo question because gay relationships just aren't seen as a means to reach marriage as much as straight ones are. But the more the prospect of marriage equality seemed real over this past month in New York State, the more people started asking. Ladies, I now feel your pain. I asked around and found I wasn't alone.

"At a party last week, one of my closest friends got quite tipsy and approached [my boyfriend] alone at the bar, asking which one of us would be the one to propose," recalls Zach Udko, a lecturer at NYU. "Awkward! When he stumbled over his response, she marched over to me and asked the same question."

"I think I didn't know I was in a long-term relationship until gay marriage got so close to passing and so many people started asking," says Andrew Sessa, a freelance writer who has been with his lawyer boyfriend for over two years. It's a good point — New York is a "blink-and-you-miss-it" type of town. If you don't have a five-year plan, why not just coast along as things are? Those carefree days for gays may be over. It's not just friends that are eyeing our long-term relationships now, it's also the media.

Leone Kraus, an activist and spokeswoman for the advocacy networking website Friendfactor.com, says she's been getting calls from publications that want her to pull the trigger. "Are you going to ask [your girlfriend] to marry you after the bill passes?" one outlet asked her. She responded, "If I told you then it wouldn't be a surprise!" Her quote wasn't used. "I found that this wasn't the buzzy item the media was looking for. They want to meet couples who are going to tie the knot as soon as it becomes legal to, which I think is a lot of pressure," she said. "I mean, we've been together for almost four years but it's still a big decision that I'm not going to make public in an interview," Kraus adds. "Can you imagine going up to a straight person and asking 'Are you going to ask him/her to marry you after the rent regulation bill passes?'"

And forget the media pressure. What about mom pressure?

While further degrading the already tattered institution of marriage is a suboptimal solution to the gay couple question, it's fascinating to watch the taming of the transgressives. After all, what is the demand for marriage but an attempt to seem more normal.

Posted by oj at June 26, 2011 9:44 AM
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