OR MAYBE HE'S JUST A JERK:

Jonathan Papelbon’s alter ego frighteningly effective (John Tomase, April 26, 2011, Boston Herald)

So who is Cinco Ocho? He’s best viewed in juxtaposition to Papelbon.

Papelbon is fairly subdued. Cinco Ocho is raging id. Papelbon might lie on the clubhouse couch and play along with Discovery Channel’s “Cash Cab” (he’s better than you’d think). Cinco Ocho is more likely to cause a scene like Sunday’s, when he screamed his ABCs while the rest of the clubhouse tried to listen to their unofficial anthem, “Out Here Grindin’ ” by DJ Khaled after a 7-0 victory against the Angels.

“Now I know my ABCs, next time won’t you sing with me?” Cinco Ocho finished with an unhinged flourish.

“You like that?!” he dared everyone and no one in particular.

For his part, Papelbon has little to say about Cinco Ocho, save for a faint smirk.

“I can’t do it,” he said. “I’m sorry, man. What I think you’re going to have to do is some homework.”

OK, fine. His teammates spelled out a few simple ground rules:

No. 1: Do not talk to Cinco Ocho.

“It’s only scary when you try to talk to him,” Bard said. “I know better. Others try. They get shot down. He’s not a good guy to talk to.”

No. 2: Do not make eye contact with him.

“Everybody loves Pap,” said catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia. “Nobody likes Cinco Ocho.”

No. 3: If you ever meet him in a dark alley, pray to your maker.

“Go the other way,” Saltalamacchia said. “Go the other way as fast you can, because even his best friends don’t stand a chance when Cinco Ocho’s there.”

“That sounds pretty reasonable,” Papelbon allowed.

Right fielder J.D. Drew [stats] laughed when informed of the Cinco rules.

“That’s ridiculous,” he said. “That doesn’t even make sense. What is he, not human or something? That’s what they’re telling you in your research? Whoever’s giving the intercession on Cinco Ocho’s part has definitely been hoodwinked, I think, with his Cinco Ocho-ness.”

Follow @brothersjudd