May 30, 2010

HANDY IF YOU'RE ROOTING FOR THE RAPIST:

Your guide to hating the Celtics (Ted Green, May 30, 2010, LA Times)

Now, so you can hate them properly and profoundly, here they are, the Boston Celtics:

No. 34, Paul Pierce: He is their best scorer and a load for anyone to guard, including Ron Artest. But the Celtics' captain flops more than a large-mouthed bass taking his last breath while dangling from a fishing line at the end of a pier. Every time Pierce shoots, he acts like he's been hit by a train. Usually, he hasn't been touched. Two years ago, he fell during the Finals against the Lakers and went off in a wheelchair. An actual wheelchair! Five minutes later, he was dropping three-pointers all over TD Banknorth Garden. He actually came back into the game with the music from "Rocky" blaring over the public-adress system. Yo, Paulie, that was such a bad con job, Sylvester Stallone is a better actor than your are. By the way, Pierce's idea of a fun night is going clubbing and getting stabbed. Good times! If you'll be seeing him for the first time, you'll hate him before the first quarter of Game 1 is even close to over, guaranteed. And by the way, Pablo, your headband is usually crooked.

No. 21, Kevin Garnett: Last you may have seen him, he was goin' all Karate Kid upside the arms of Dwight Howard in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference finals. Hey, K.G., who's your instructor, Mr. Miyagi? Garnett is, or maybe was, a great player, Hall of Fame caliber, but once he joined the Celtics, he officially became annoying, arrogant and insufferable, like the rest of them. He is now impossible to root for in any manner. His emotional tearfest in the immediate aftermath of the Celtics' '08 Finals win over the Lakers remains today one of the truly legendary and awkward postgame microphone meltdowns. One more good cry, which is what you always expect from a Celtic.

No. 20, Ray Allen: This guy is one of the greatest jump shooters in basketball history. Totally clutch. And he may have the prettiest stroke ever. Money when it matters. He's also a heckuva nice guy, even though his momma stands up too much and looks like she's even cockier than K.G. I know I'm not giving you any reason to hate him, but never forget the overriding issue: that damn green uniform.

No. 43, Kendrick Perkins: This guy looks meaner than Cerberus, the three-headed dog who guarded the gates of Hades. You get scared just looking at his picture on Google images. He looks like he would shove his grandma in the middle of the back if it meant getting a rebound. Perkins has the offensive skill set of your average blacksmith or lumberjack. Instead, he does what can euphemistically be called a lot of the dirtywork for the Celtics, dirty being the operative word. He'll have six fouls by the second quarter, two of which are called. He is also a human moving screen. He sets the only pick in the NBA where the player is actually running full-speed into the man he's screening. This is very often not called a foul, just because he's a Celtic. He is prone to getting technical fouls, usually immediately after waking up in the morning.

No. 9, Rajon Rondo. This is the point guard who is faster than any Laker. He's an emerging star and acts like it, too. If he were any more conceited, he'd dribble with his left hand and carry a hand-mirror with his right. He preens more than TV news anchors. If he has a weakness, other than the villainous franchise he suits up for, it's his shooting. He has trouble making open five-footers in empty gyms, much less full arenas. Just remember this kid is, like, 8 years old and already as arrogant as the rest of them.

Posted by Orrin Judd at May 30, 2010 9:54 AM
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