ARE YOU PART OF THE VRWC?:

In a desperate attempt to give away the Eisenhower biography, we've altered the contest. Here's a helpful test from Harry Stein's book, How I Accidentally Joined the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy (and Found Inner Peace):

How to Tell if You've Joined the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

* You hear someone talking about morality and you no longer instantly assume he must be a sexually repressed religious nut.

* You're actually relieved that your daughter plays with dolls and your son plays with guns.

* You sit all the way through "Dead Man Walking" and at the end you STILL want the guy to be executed.

* You understand that the homeless guy who mumbles to himself and stinks of urine is not "disadvantaged" but a lunatic.

* Watching network news, you notice that the person opposing affirmative action is identified as a "conservative spokesman," while the one supporting it is just a "Harvard professor."

* Christmas season rolls around and it hits you that there may be a religious connection.

* Black history month seems to last from February to July.

* At your kids' back-to-school night, you are shocked to discover the only dead white male on your 10th-grader's reading list is Oscar Wilde.

* And by the end of the night you realize the only teacher who shares your values teaches phys ed.

* Someone's going on about how fantastic San Francisco is, and it suddenly hits you that's one place on earth you never want to live.

* Try as you might, you just can't get yourself to believe that cheating on your mate qualifies as an addiction.

The book is several years old, so it misses some more contemporary signals. Perhaps you might also look for these signs:

* You fail to see how a UN Security Council that includes Russia, China, and France can add a patina of legitimacy to a course of action that the United States decides upon.

* You think George W. Bush won the 2000 election.

* You think Bill Clinton should have been impeached, but you think the real disgrace is that he didn't have enough honor to resign, like Nixon.

* You think the way Saddam Hussein and Yasser Arafat treat their own people is sufficient cause for them to be removed from power.

* You think that the statute governing the election in New Jersey was pretty clear and that the Court had no right to change it unilaterally.

* You think that this is the perfect time to privatize Social Security, while there are a lot of bargains.

* You think that Jesse Helms and Phil Gramm achieved more for the good of the nation during their careers than Ted Kennedy has during his.

* You think wrapping a fish in the NY Times is an insult to sea creatures.

* You figured Ann Heche had problems when she started dating Ellen DeGeneres, not when she stopped.

Well, you get the idea. If anyone has any more suggestions we'll present the person who offers the best one with the infamous Eisenhower biography
that we can't seem to give away. Here are the submissions thus far (please feel free to vote for your favorite):

David Cohen

Your's is the only party seriously considering putting a black woman on its national ticket.

You know you disagree with anyone who has bumperstickers containing the words "justice", "fairness" and "peace."

JB

You find yourself searching the car radio dial for Rush Limbaugh

...and are filled with relief when you find him.

Buttercup

You realize Meathead was well named.

You realize Reagan's "evil empire" comments weren't the lunatic ravings of an out of touch cold war warrior who thinks ketchup is a vegetable but rather wisdom for the ages from a great leader.

You can't believe that someone who used to think the whole "Max Headroom" caricature of Reagan in Doonesbury was clever (never thought it was funny, so maybe I wasn't totally lost) and believed that the Dire Straights song "Russians" was, like, so true, man would ever have written the above statement and meant it.

You realize, usually after looking at your first ultrasound, that that "clump of cells" that just amounts to a woman's right to choose looks just
like a baby and, gulp, its waving at you.

You went to sleep election night 2000 at 1 a.m. and sick at heart that Gore had won (in your own state, too) only to wake up and realize God does smile on us drunkards, fools and Americans.

You don't feel embarassed saying you like G. W. Bush and you don't check the political affinities of your table mates before you express the same unabashed admiration of the man that used to be reserved for Brad Pitt's abs.

You notice the pro-enviroment, noble savage, despicable European white males messages in the movie Spirit. Your 6-year-old daughter asks you to be quiet when you start talking back to the screen. Your husband says we can't rent the video until Mommy learns how to control herself.

You start to base your movie selections on who supports the war on Iraq. Thankfully, Alec Baldwin Barbra Streisand and Susan Sarandon don't make many films and you would rather stick your face in a cage full of starved rabid weasels wearing Eau de Rabbit than see one of their movies.

You've evolved past saying "I'm a social liberal but fiscally I'm on the other side" or "I'm kind of a Libertarian" to actually using the dreaded "C"
word.

Vegetarians look sickly to you.

When you see the protestors at the WTO meetings you begin to sympathize with the national guards at Kent State. Your next thought is what a bunch of silly, spoiled, granola eating, birkenstock wearing, Starbuck latte sipping (even as they protest Starbucks, but, man they do have good coffee) brats who are sorely in need of a kick in the pants and a real job.

Henry Hanks

You don't think that someone's ability to lie makes him a good leader.

JW
You actually feel a tender affection for the fellow who jumped the fence and shot up the United Nations.

Christopher Badeaux

You're amazed to meet anyone who actually reads The Nation.

You find that you're agreeing with Chris Hitchens more and more.

You're agreeing with The New Republic more and more.

You don't think that someone's ability to emote makes him a good leader.

You still fantasize about Margaret Thatcher.

You've stopped reading Maureen Dowd altogether.

You feel that the next country for "regime change" should be France.

You're amazed that Michael Moore has a career.

You don't find it ironic that Europeans would indict Pinochet for crimes against humanity, but have no beef with Castro.

You think "root causes" are either a mathematical term of art or the beginning of a philosphical treatise.

You're willing to grant Berkeley independence, so long as they promise never to come back.

You could not have been less surprised to find out which county John Walker Lindh came from.

You're looking forward to the laugh riot that will be the 2004 Democratic presidential primaries.

When someone says, "States' rights," you don't immediately shoot back something about Jim Crow.

You know that Soviet hard-liners weren't "conservative."

You secretly wish for a Mondale-Dukakis ticket in 2004, just for the laughs.

The presence of a menorah, nativity scene, or cross in public places makes you nod appreciatively.

You never thought anyone would seriously strike God from the Pledge of Allegiance.

...Or the House Chaplain from the House.

You've actually read the Constitution.

You actually paid attention while you read it.

Posted by Orrin Judd at October 15, 2002 5:37 AM