COUP DE GRACE :

A Unified Field Theory of World Entertainment (H.D. Miller, 6/05/02, Travelling Shoes)

The majority of the world outside of the United States thinks soccer is entertaining, thus proving that the majority of the world is populated by people who have diminished expectations of what entertainment should be. [...]

This entertainment gap is perfectly reflected in the differences between American and European sports. Football is plainly superior to Futbol. (Hell, Fooseball is clearly superior to Futbol.) Soccer is so boring that the fans have to resort to creating their own violence and mayhem in the stands as an anedote to the boredom induced by the glacial pace of the game. Yet when your basic English soccer hooligan is exposed to the controlled violence and mayhem of NFL football, he loves it, even as he behaves himself in the stands. How else to explain the fact that the annual NFL pre-season game in Wembley Stadium in London always sells out to 85,000 football-crazed Englishmen?

Everyone knows that the spectacle of a 300 pound, defensive end, hepped-up on pain-killers and anabolic steriods, bearing down on a multi-million dollar quarterback's blindside at a 4.4, 40-yard pace, with malice in his heart, is infinitly more entertaining than watching some wussified midfielder trip over his own feet and feign an injury in the hopes of getting a free kick. There should be a congressional investigation into the negitive effects of soccer on the youth of America. The sport teaches the worst sorts of values: always pretend you're hurt, someone may notice; always tattle on your opponents, they may get punished; always complain about the weather and the fans, it'll give you an excuse if you lose. The rest of the world should follow our example and make it mandatory that boys quit playing soccer as soon as girls are no longer able to compete on an equal basis, about age 13. Few American boys play soccer past age 13, and soccer is the quintessential tomboy's sport. Look at how American women have dominated the sport internationally.

Sarcasm, sexism, jingoism, and it's a screamin' hoot--what more could you want in an essay. Plus all the annoying soccer nerds will go after Mr. Miller now and leave us alone. Posted by Orrin Judd at June 5, 2002 7:27 PM