January 18, 2007


Married, Not Dead: A wedding ring shouldn't mean the end of a happy sex life�though it usually does. (Nora Shelley, January 16th, 2007, Village Voice)

"I just had sex with E.L.," she blurts out. I am speechless. She is my best friend. And she had sex. With her husband. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back. I am tempted to throw one of us off the nearby balcony.

"Morning sex?" I manage. It comes out more hostile than I plan, though Carmichael barely notices. Why should she? She just had morning sex.

"Oh my God, yes! Morning sex. Like a high school senior. It is too incredible. I had sex with my husband and I liked it." I stare at her, incredulous. I haven't had sex, morning or otherwise, in three months. Neither had she. I trusted her. I know it's a free country and people have sex in it. Apparently even my best friend. But still. How dare she?

"We're back, Nora. We're back. I can't believe it. Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad," I lie. "I'm happy for you."

"You and J.P. will have sex soon. Don't be so hard on yourself." I want to scream in her face, "I don't need your pity. You giant, awful bitch." But I don't. I can't. I'm like a deer caught in the headlights. I vow to find new friends. Better friends. Ones that don't have sex with their husbands. And then, sensing I can no longer be in a store called Forever 21, Carmichael takes me by the arm and leads me toward the exit. "C'mon, let's go to City Bakery. I'll buy you a cold hot chocolate."

We cross 14th Street and I'm still mad, but if sex really happened, I sort of need to hear about it.

"OK, Carmichael," I say. "Where? When? How? Why?"

"Well, it'd been months, you know. I was so off my game I couldn't even deal with it. Do you know what it's like when you're off your game?"

I nod maniacally because of course I know.

"I invented 'off your game,' for God's sake. Please. Are you crazy?"

"All right, so you know. Every night is like a standoff. I read in bed until I'm sure he's sleeping. He stays in his office surfing the Net until he's sure I'm sleeping. And then if we accidentally touch each other, we panic. The tension just builds and builds because you know you're going to have to do it soon, and you're afraid to. Afraid it's going to suck. Afraid you won't remember how. Well, today," Carmichael continues, "I dropped Chloe off at school, and for some reason that I will never understand, I came home and was horny. I took off my pants and I was weighing whether it was worth remaking the bed and taking care of business myself when I remembered that I actually had a husband working from home this week. I could take care of business with him. So I took off the rest of my clothes, except my new Cosabella underwear, and I went into his office and stood there until he noticed me."

"How long did that take?"

"He was researching printers online, so a while. Then when he did see me, he stared at me, totally confused. I think he thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

Posted by Orrin Judd at January 18, 2007 8:55 AM

Wow, "Men are Pigs" has done so much for the interplay between men and women......

Posted by: Robert Mitchell Jr. at January 18, 2007 11:06 AM

I've had morning and evening sex for years - although my best friend tells me it's more fun with someone else in the room.

Posted by: obc at January 18, 2007 11:27 AM

I believe this one qualifies for the "Too Much Information" category.

Posted by: Mike Morley at January 18, 2007 11:30 AM

Question: Is this supposed to be serious, or just funny? If it was serious, it would be sort of sad, yet still funny. If it was supposed to be funny, it's basically just a long-winded reprisal of the old line, "take my wife, please!" So, people who are married and have to get used to each other and the idea of only ever having sex with that one person, invariably get bored, and/or sick of one another. So, either be proactive and have sex with them, get a divorce, or just accept it and get a toy.

Posted by: Blacklash at January 18, 2007 12:13 PM

Sort of like the old joke where two poor fellows attend a self-help session on improving your sex life. When asked to admit the first thing they can think of that might help, the first one says, "Um, pay attention to her needs?"

"Good, good!" Says the therapist. He looks at fellow #2: "And you?"

"Find a partner?"

Posted by: M. at January 18, 2007 1:37 PM

"What's the matter with Kansas" indeed...they're having more married sex than you are, for starters.

Posted by: ken at January 18, 2007 2:44 PM

It's serious to a liberal, comic to a conservative.

Posted by: oj at January 18, 2007 4:15 PM

How many times did the poor bastard get shot down before he stopped asking? And I'm sure what panicked "him" was the thought of getting yelled at for asking for sex, even though he wasn't.

Posted by: Pete at January 18, 2007 5:03 PM

Pete - exactly. having women say they aren't getting enough when they are the ones saying no 90% of the time doesn't compute.

Posted by: AWW at January 18, 2007 9:10 PM